Lessons Learned By A Competitive Dance Mom
5,6,7,8 and we’re off.
This weekend launched the start of my daughter’s competitive dance season and it could not have gone better.
Not because of the outcome on stage or the awards she took home, but rather by the lessons learned and experiences gained.
My daughter is building character, learning to fall down and get back up; learning to be gracious and accept defeat. She is also learning to be a team player, to collectively work towards a common goal; finding out that giving it her best is more than enough and that no matter where she comes out in the end, she can be proud and stand tall for all the hard work she invested into this moment.
It’s a lot but it’s why I put my daughter into dance.
My nana danced, my mom danced, I danced and now my daughters are dancing.
Of course it’s easy to do what we know, settle where we are comfortable and create experiences for our children that are familiar to us, but it’s also more than that.
Competition is a way of life.
And dance is a passion that runs deep.
My husband often gasps when he gets the bills. “This tiny piece of shimmery fabric cost what?!”, but he never complains because as a team player himself he sees so much value in what dance is bringing to our daughters.
He played high level hockey and even represented his country globally, so he knows his way around a locker room and all of the politics involved to get to that level.
He worked hard, played hard and came out with friendships and memories that are still a huge part of who he is today.
He wants that for our girls.
The discipline. The humility. The highs that come with wins and the lows that come with losses. The hunger for first place and the grace that follows a tough loss.
This to me is what competition should be all about, but somewhere along the way it has become much more… and not in a good way.
Moving your body because you can and going after something that sets your soul on fire makes you feel alive.
I encourage that. I want my daughters to chase things that ignite their souls and set fire in their bellies.
They are not always gonna win and they are not always gonna lose, but they are going to miss every shot they didn’t take, so I want them to take the shots… and learn the lessons that come with them.
This weekend as I sat in the auditorium cheering on my oldest daughter, in her first dance competition in three years, I was filled with nostalgia and emotion.
I loved the stage. I loved showing off all the hard work I’d put in and the joy in being rewarded for it. I loved the friendships I made and the memories that followed.
I loved all of it, but was it all uphill and easy? Hell no. Like all competitive sports that involve parents and their children, it can get crazy… because of course everyone thinks their child is the best and we feel that the more we push, the more extras we do, the more money we invest, the better they will be… and of course we all want our kids to be the best right?
Wrong.
Dead wrong.
If you have your child in competitive sports to be the best, then unbuckle that seatbelt now and get off the ride. Cause in my humble opinion, that is where the problems develop.
There can only be so many ‘bests’. Only so many spots on the NHL roster and only so many options for dancers to pursue their dream.
The best is a hard box to check off the list, so I encourage them to be ‘their’ best.
To try as hard as they can, win some, lose some and most importantly stay humble in the journey.
I love the saying, “Reach for the moon cause if you fall short, you might just land on a star”; and I think if we really dissect this quote, we can see that it’s okay to reach for the highest point, but it’s also perfectly okay to come out short.
As much as parents across the globe have missed seeing their children practice and perform, I think coaches and teachers loved their absence. It would be so great to be drama free without parent’s eyes constantly watching and judging and pushing. It would have been refreshing to have a room full of children eager to learn and develop on their own terms, not on the terms set out by their parents.
I see it a lot. The push.
I pushed, but the pause opened my eyes.
When the world shut down and all my daughter had was an ipad in our unfinished basement, she never gave up. She pushed harder. She went down there 8 hours a week, never complaining or missing a class and she danced her heart out. She learned and she grew.
All on her own.
She absolutely blew me away this weekend when I saw her take the stage. Passion radiated out of her. Her smile never wavered and she shone so bright.
Of course, she’s mine and we all shine the brightest spotlight on our own children, but in that moment right there I saw a kid who loves this… who dances for herself, who never gives up, who might not kick the highest but sparkles the brightest… and I realized, right then and there, who am I to tell her what she needs to do?… She will figure it out on her own.
As parents we provide the landscape, but what they make out of it is their own choice.
At least it should be.
You can’t push without passion and passion is innate.
Too often I saw children in my dance classes that dreaded being there, that cried in the corner or chose to sit out. They weren’t there because they wanted to be, but rather because they were told to be.
Those are the kids I took under my wing and helped to fly.
They needed to know that this could… and should… be fun.
That they didn’t have to be the best, or the bendiest or the boldest.
They just had to be themselves, give it the best they had and whatever that brought to the stage would be enough.
We didn’t always win, but when we did it was a party. They earned it.
Some of those kids went on to be amazing because all they needed was that encouragement that they could soar in their own spotlight.
In the competitive world, all too often those spotlights get dimmed and then the battle becomes internal because we are always our own worst critics.
As an adult I now see it all differently.
Every child on that stage brings something amazing and unique.
The team is stronger because of each individual and the strengths and weaknesses they each bring.
The spotlight is big enough to be shared.
I speak of dance because it’s what I know, but I feel these lessons can apply in all areas of competition with our children.
You can’t push without passion, so let your children discover their passion on their own and not dictate to them how to get there.
Let them fall down. They will get back up.
Let them experience both wins and losses as life is filled with both.
Let them be humble and proud. These traits can co-exist.
And most importantly help them learn that no matter where they stand on the podium there is a lesson in it.
A humble winner, a gracious loser and all things in between.
As a spectator this weekend… I watched my daughter grow and not just as a dancer but as a human. She high-fived her teammates, hugged her challengers and gave words of praise to other teams who she thought were amazing.
Receiving compliments for her good nature was worth more to me than any medal.
That for me was the biggest win of all. She’s an incredible kid and this journey is hers.
I will be here to sign the cheques, offer advice and drive her to practices.
I will encourage, love her and console her.
But I’m done with the push.
Passion is something we can’t push for.
They have it or they don’t.
And if they do… they will figure out the rest.
“Rome wasn’t built in a day, but they were laying bricks every hour.”
I’ve laid that foundation and now brick by brick she can take this journey wherever she wants to.
Let the teachers teach, the mentors guide and their teammates inspire.
“A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it, it just blooms”.
Patience, positivity and passion will win every competition… we’ve got this!
@half_full_most_days