The sun is shining where I live today and it honestly makes me feel like a new person.
I feel alive and fresh and inspired and happy. Definitely happy as it’s been a lot of dull, grey days and those just wear a person down.
A little sunshine just seems to make everything better. It lifts my spirits and makes everything seem a bit more possible.
I feel like the sunshine lights me up and after not seeing it for weeks, today I was eager to get outside and soak in that much needed vitamin D.
This year I have a little sidekick with me on all of these walks.
He’s blonde, curly haired, curious and energetic.
His name is Ollie and he’s working his way into my heart one little puppy lick and head tilt at a time.
Kind of like the lack of sunshine, Ollie has shifted my mood.
He’s made me laugh, smile, cry and scream.
He has been more work than we ever imagined but brings more joy to our family then we ever thought possible.
One year ago today, we were driving two and a half hours away on a bright, sunny, snow filled afternoon to pick up our new puppy.
It was a wish my daughter had made repeatedly and after spending six years putting together a binder filled with drawings, essays and convincing research… and might I add, two hard years of Covid restrictions and just wanting to give our kids everything to make up for all that they had missed… we finally buckled.
We gave in.
We made the wish she made when she blew out the candles on her birthday cake come true.
We had absolutely no idea what we were in for.
We had never been pet owners and yet here we were making this massive leap of faith all because of love.
Love. A four-letter word put to the test in this first year of puppyhood because this little creature required more care than a newborn and we held no natural instincts to know what to do.
It was a lot.
I contemplated sending him back more than once.
We were out of the diaper stage. The girls were in school full time. We had a bit of life back and what did we do? We went and brought a puppy into our lives, wreaking havoc on our house, our lifestyle and our marriage.
Why had we done this?
All because it was the only thing in ten years that our daughter ever asked for.
All because we thought it would add so much to our family and bring all of these life lessons and responsibility to our kids that every pet owner we knew raved about.
So we buckled. We gave in, we researched, we shopped around, we questioned every pet owner we knew, but no matter what we had been told or what we had read nothing could prepare us, or warn us, for what we were buying into.
It was a lot. It was unknown to us. It was our daughter’s dream, not ours and yet here we were.
I remember vividly pulling up to the breeder’s home with my hands shaking so badly that I put them in my pockets so that my daughter wouldn’t see.
I had not been with my husband and daughter when they drove up weeks before to see the newborn puppies and choose first-hand the one that would become a part of our family.
I trusted them. Surely if they felt he was a fit and they loved him, I most certainly would too, or would I?
I trembled as we stepped inside the breeder’s home.
The mom and dad dog were there. I didn’t feel any warmth. I didn’t want to bend down and pet them as in all honesty I have never been a pet person.
I’ve been lambasted many times for admitting that I don’t love pets, but I’m just being honest, I didn’t.
Sure they are cute, but I never had the desire to have one licking my face, sleeping beside me, walking it’s dirty paws all over my house, picking up mushy, warm poop off my neighbour’s lawns or pulling things out of its mouth.
Those were not visions that I ever imagined coming true.
It just wasn’t for me and yet somewhere in my role of motherhood I softened.
I thought outside of myself.
And for someone who prior to motherhood had no problem being selfish and never wanted a pet, I was pretty dumfounded that here we were.
We brought Ollie home that first night and he looked just like a little stuffed animal.
He was so cute and tiny and just liked to be held and cuddled.
That first few nights he would howl and bark all night long in his crate and we would have to take him outside every 30 minutes to try and pee.
I did contemplate putting a diaper on him, but he’d probably eat it and that would cost me an enormous vet bill.
I was more sleep deprived than I had ever been with my own babies and when everyone would leave for work and school in the morning I was left alone with this tiny, needy ball of fur and I just wanted to cry as I had no idea what to do.
It was the middle of winter. We had a tonne of snow. I had to bundle up in my boots and warm clothes every 30 minutes to take him outside.
I was getting nothing done and I was angry.
I couldn’t leave him.
At least with a baby you could load them up in the car and take them places to get out. You could visit friends and walk through the mall, but with a puppy no one wanted a tiny, fur ball who had the chance of peeing or pooping anywhere at any time inside their home.
So it was lonely.
I was house bound.
I had to plan my life in 30 minute chunks, for I didn’t want to book a work meeting and then have him barking in the background or peeing under my desk.
I couldn’t shower and blow dry while he was in the create because that would be too much time left alone.
I had no idea what I was doing and I was feeling burnt out.
He was a lot.
But like all things… he was hard, until he became easy.
He began to grow and figure me out as I did him.
He never left my side.
He would follow me everywhere.
I found myself kissing his little head and giving him a hug as I would put him his crate at night.
As I walked away, I would shake my head wondering how this stinky dog breath, rabbit poop eating, shoe stealing menace was working his way into my heart.
But he had.
That happy tail wag he gives now when I walk in.
The giggles of my daughters as he chases them around the house in a game of fetch.
The long walks and extra time outside that he makes me take.
He brought a lot.
He brought things to our lives that we didn’t know we needed.
Our lives were full and yet somehow this little creature just filled our cups more.
It has been a tonne of work and both my husband and I still say that we will never do it again, but he has certainly taught us a lot about ourselves and added a level of responsibility that children alone did not provide.
He has made us weaker and stronger.
He has made us happy and frustrated.
He has made us question our decision time and time again and yet, I now hate to admit that when he’s not around I miss him.
He is definitely not my daughter’s dog. My husband does all of the early morning and late-night walks and I am hands down his favourite whom he spends the most time with, but as I look back at how hard the last year has been I wouldn’t change a thing.
My daughter has given us a lesson in love that we might have missed.
I now smile at other pet owners and bend down to pet other dogs.
My heart has softened.
I’m still not a “pet person”, but I now see that love outside of human love is also possible.
As he sits at my feet curled up under my desk as I type this, I feel safe and happy.
I know he loves me. His little head tilt and puppy eyes tell me so.
Everything is hard, until it’s easy.
Grey days are usually followed by sunshine.
I still say I will never let him lick my face, but we shall see… he’s definitely grown on me.
Happy Gotcha Day Ollie.
We’ve Got This.
@half_full_most_days