No matter how much we try to control things, some things are just out of our control.
Like the dreaded Covid.
Last week I got hit. Stuffed up, head ache, body aches, runny nose and man was I tired. Just a cold I thought as I’ve been run down trying to juggle all the things like selling my condo, launching a new business, building up my old event business… you know… all the stuff that can weigh you down…
The worst part for me was that it was the March Break here in Canada and mandates were finally lifting, masks were being taken away and I felt like for the first time in two years I could breathe…
We had made it to the finish line.
I had big plans for the week, lots of fun stuff to do with my littles that we had put on hold for a long time. We squeezed a couple things in and then…. I tested, and it was positive.
I stood in the kitchen with my husband and we both just stared at each other… disbelief… shock… sadness… we were at the finish line and I felt like I had been cheated from crossing the ribbon.
My mind started racing of where had we been, who had we seen, where did I get this.
I hadn’t been anywhere, except grocery shopping. I was angry.
I felt like I’d let my family down. It made zero sense. I had done everything right. I hadn’t slipped or let my guard down and yet here I stood.
Thankfully they all tested negative… every day for the whole week, while I hid away isolating in the spare room, only sneaking out to my backyard when they were out.
They all stepped up. My husband became the captain and the girls were his eager crew. They impressed me a lot.
Each night they would read bedtime stories to me through the door… slip little notes to me and FaceTime me to tell me all the things they had done.
Sad to think that in their eyes Covid was just a normal thing because a large chunk of their lives has been lived in this pandemic… and yet also so wonderful to see that they were not afraid. It didn’t phase them at all. Sure, they didn’t like taking the stick up the nose, but they rallied for me and were so awesome this week that my heart burst.
I had one small pang one night when I realized, “Shit, they are doing just fine without me”, but I then realized, no actually, they are doing just fine FOR me.
They knew that this was out of my control.
They knew how safe and above and beyond our family had been at following protocols, getting vaccinated, boosted and all the things.
They knew we had done our part, and yet sadly, despite my best efforts, Covid had hit our home and they were there to fight it.
They didn’t point fingers or get sad or anxious or nervous… they stood up.
It was in these quiet moments alone in my room that I realized fear is something we bring on ourselves. Fear is an emotion we create ourselves when we feel anxious. Fear is how we handle the unknown. Fear is nothing but a feeling that only we can control.
Sure it sucked to be lying in bed while the sun shone and the birds chirped, but it was also an awakening for me that for the first time in two years… I was not afraid.
I had Covid… and I was no longer afraid of it.
For two years I turned down visits with friends, dinners out, occasions and all the good stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy at how I handled it all… I did what I felt we needed to do to protect our family and community, but now, we have ALL done all that we can do …
“All you can do, is all you can do… and all you can do… is enough.”
I love that quote.
It’s freeing. I did everything I possibly could to avoid this week in bed and I do sincerely believe that all of our collective efforts have given me this chance to tell my story. My case was mild as thankfully were so many others that I heard from… I honestly can’t believe how many others have been hit by Covid recently but felt too ashamed to admit it… I’m glad my story let them come out. We’ve all been so afraid that catching it meant we had done something wrong that no one wanted to admit to that…
But again, some things are out of our control.
I really do believe that because of how diligent we have all been in the last two years, a positive test now is not as scary for most.
We all did what we had to do. And we will continue to do so.
I will vaccinate. I will wear a mask. I will distance. Whatever comes at us, I will do, but damn does it feel so good to let go of the fear.
The word Covid terrified me, but now it doesn’t.
Yes I know so many people have hurt deeply losing loved ones over this awful global pandemic and yes I see how it rocked the world and changed lives forever.
How it took businesses away, ended marriages, short changed cancer patients, affected everyone’s mental health, robbed loved ones of time together…
It destroyed so much. It devastated the world.
And yet… I feel secure now in saying that I did all I could… but some things are out of our control.
I can control my own fear which has now diminished. I am no longer afraid as life is meant to be lived while Covid lingers on.
I let go of the fear, embraced how hard I’ve worked to get to this point and felt free in knowing that life is out of my control.
For this week’s Joy Journey I ask you all to write down things that you are afraid of. Write them out and really think of what it is about them that scares you. I do believe that fear is an emotion we can control and by accepting that some things are simply out of our control… it is very freeing. For me my fear was bringing Covid into our home, but now that it has… the fear is gone. Try and let go, the backpack is heavy enough with all the life lessons we each carry, that unpacking fear makes the journey more bearable.
We’ve Got This!
@half_full_most_days