In early September 2024 I received the worst phone call of my life.
I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer.
I was out walking my dog when the call came in and my legs went numb. The world around me spun like a dream. My ears rang and I couldn’t process the voice coming out on the other side.
I called my husband and then my mom… and I just cried.
A deep, fierce cry that came from the depths of my soul and shook my body like a hurricane.
This wasn’t the call I thought I would be getting. I answered with a happy hello because I truly thought the call would confirm that all was good, results negative and life would move on.
But life stood still.
For once in my life I felt my kindred spirit vanish. I felt my smile fade and my rage build.
Why me? Why Now? What the actual F?
I am young. I have young kids. I have plans. I have a family who need me. I have aging parents who are my best friends. I have things to do…
This wasn’t part of my plan.
This wasn’t something that was supposed to touch me… or my life or my family.
Sure I knew the statistics of all the households that cancer blew through, causing mass destruction, heartache and upset but my foundation was firm, I was invincible, I was strong, I was fierce.
I was all these things, until I wasn’t.
The last three months have been a blur. I carry on. I put on a brave face. I do the things. I work my job. I raise the kids. I do the carpooling. I cook the dinners. I pack the lunches…. But my smile has faded.
My glass that has always been half full, feels absolutely empty.
My doctors and all those in my circle keep trying to lift me up telling me that if you are going to get hit with the “C’ word, this is the best one to get. It’s curable and common.
Sure that’s reassuring but I want to throw things, scream into the night and stomp in the puddles of this storm because sure it is okay to say that I will be okay, but I now understand deeply and with my whole being how hard these storms are to weather.
How a few small words can change our lives forever.
My saving grace is that I am surrounded by love. I have always held a positive mindset and I do firmly believe that no matter how bad I think I have it, there is always someone out there who has it worse… much worse.
So I try to breathe through all of this but it is so hard.
This was all discovered accidentally. I haven’t been feeling myself for about 18 months. Gaining weight, aches and pains, just off. My family doctor and hormonal specialists all just attributed it to my age, peri-menopause and basically said there was nothing I could do. So I believed them.
I was getting older. That was a gift.
So I embraced the expanded waist line, the fatigue and discomfort and carried on.
Aging was a luxury that many people don’t get so I kept reminding myself of that.
Women are superheroes. We endure so much and battle after battle we simply wash the cape and keep going.
I did the same.
But then in late July I felt dizzy. Then a few days later I got an earache. I couldn’t get into my family doctor so I went to a walk-in clinic.
Now in all fairness I used to think that Walk-in clinics were like the ghetto of the medical field. A place where doctors gave their care only part time and that things were never treated seriously, but that doctor at the walk-in clinic… saved my life.
He was young, he looked at my ear. He deemed that yes indeed I had an ear infection and prescribed medicated ear drops and antibiotics, but he also didn’t like the size of my lymph node so requested an ultrasound.
I thought this was a bit overkill and might not have followed through, but he had written ‘STAT’ on the requisition and something inside me told me to do it.
I went in the next day. Two hours later the clinic called me in. They needed to talk to me.
My whole world shut down. I went. I listened. I trembled. I cried.
I was scared. That talk led to biopsies, those biopsies led to further tests, those tests led me to a specialist and here I am today.
I was supposed to go in for surgery to have my thyroid removed on Thursday November 14th. A day that will stay etched in my mind forever, but 3 days before the doctor postponed it stating that she just wanted to run some more tests which calmed me in her due diligence of wanting to get this all right, but it also terrified me.
I didn’t want to wait. These months have already felt like years. I have cried more in three months than I have in my whole life.
Life simply sucks sometimes.
I spent a day laying on my couch, cuddling my dog and crying until I couldn’t see anything other than my own sorrow.
I was short-fused, I was tempered, I was miserable and even my own daughter called me out on not being myself.
So the next morning I woke up. I pumped the radio and I danced around my kitchen, making a pledge to myself that I was moving forward.
From another biopsy my neck was tender and I was emotionally drained, but I messaged the girls teachers and proclaimed my “would have been surgery day” to be a “skip day”.
We were making this day a happy one. We were heading into Toronto to partake in the Taylor Swift madness and get caught up in the excitement. Giving ourselves a chance to dance, sing, scream and move on.
We have tried for a year to get tickets. We have made the bracelets and entered contest after contest. I have done all things possible but fell short. Trying to get tickets is like the hunger games, but admittedly it has been a great distraction through all of this.
A day downtown healed my spirit.
We met people from all over the world, many without tickets themselves who were just there to be part of the vibe. And that is just what Taylor does.
No matter your background, your past, your future, you are embraced.
Everyone hugged us. My girls exchanged bracelets. We danced with strangers. We sang songs and shared stories.
And somewhere in that day I was healed.
I realized that life will not always go as planned.
In fact, more times than not it will go completely sideways and throw us for a loop.
My diagnosis proved that.
We get what we are given.
Our life is shaped by the cards we are dealt, we don’t get to choose them, but we do get to choose how we play them.
I chose to play with my girls that day and not cry for the what ifs.
So I will continue to dance in the storms but also cry in the puddles when needed.
Reminding myself that although things seem bad, they could always be worse.
I will keep taking your positive thoughts and prayers and praying that one day soon this chapter will be behind me and my story will continue.
I’m not done yet.
Taylor music blasting, good vibes manifesting.
We’ve Got This!
@half_full_most_days