As I sit sipping my tea this morning my daughter is running all over the kitchen chasing a little, rubber bouncy ball.
You know the type. The one the size of a quarter that when thrown bounces a million times, erratically all over the place, filling the house with giggles while trying to catch it.
As she runs around with the dog squealing I can’t help but think that my life has been one little, rubber bouncy ball lately… here, there, up, down and all over the place.
The last six months have been a lot, to say the least, with some huge highs and some really low lows.
I’ve felt grief before, losing someone you love is never easy, but having to say goodbye to our niece, only 12 years old, who had not yet lived her life, was the most tragic, devastating, unimaginable loss I hope to ever experience.
That grief was thrown into the middle of dance competition season when our spirits were at an all-time high watching our girls do what they love on stage.
One minute I’d be beaming with pride, cheering loudly in the audience and the next I’d be wiping away tears as the lyrics to a song hit me in the gut.
Life is funny that way. Finding light in dark moments and tears in happy times.
Never expected.
Thrown for a loop.
The ebbs and flows.
As I get older I seem to see and feel this more and more.
I’m not sure if it’s my age, as every day that I get older those around me are getting older too, or if it’s just a streak of really bad luck.
I’d like to throw up a white flag and wave it fiercely from a mountain top, shouting that enough is enough as last year I had my cancer scare that rattled us and I don’t think I’ve been able to stand completely upright ever since. It seems that just when I’ve made a step forward I get throttled with two steps back.
I need to keep on reminding myself that right now someone is praying for the life I’m living.
A wonderful family.
Two happy, heathy, awesome girls.
A roof over my head, food on our table and really everything and anything I dreamed of.
But it’s the sucker punches of life that hit hardest.
The ones you don’t see coming.
The ones you are not prepared for.
The ones that knock you off your feet and change the direction you thought you were headed in.
Those moments are the hard ones.
And for the last year and a half, I’ve been living them.
Today marks the final day of elementary school for my daughter.
And again I feel like a big bag of emotions. Proud, joyous, melancholy, nervous, excited…all the feels.
As this is a big step. For her. For me.
I know she is ready, I know my heart will catch up.
I’ve known since she was born that this day would come because as I said, every day that I grow older, she grows older too.
I was once told that the greatest gifts we can give our children are roots and wings.
Roots to always know where they came from and return to and wings to soar and see the world.
So this morning as my girls smiled brightly for their annual last day of school photos to appease me, I couldn’t help but brace myself for another sucker punch to the gut.
Being a mom is not easy.
With every first comes a finish.
With every step forward, is a step away.
The ups and downs of life make us human they say, but damn they are not easy.
So after drop off I came home, after watching my daughters walk off on the elementary school playground together one last time, with a tear in my eye and a lump in my throat, but rather than scroll through baby pictures and reminisce about the old days, I picked up that little bouncy ball and tossed it around the kitchen trying to catch it as it bounced here, there and everywhere… kind of like my emotions.
As I found myself laughing chasing this silly ball, the dog looked at me like I was crazy, and maybe I am because really, isn’t life just one big pile of crazy that we are all buckled in for?
It’s just one more high and low on my rollercoaster ride of life.
Who’s with me?
We’ve Got This!
@half_full_most_days